This morning I had a Movie Mummy moment. You don't know it yet, but you know exactly what I'm talking about.
Movie Mummy moments are the moments you see in your favourite parenting movie or TV series that pull at your heart strings and squeeze your ovaries so tight that you grab your partner’s face with both hands and say ‘inseminate me…. now’! But they are also the moments that divide the female population.
They are those completely unrealistic, misleading and down right absurd moments that make mothers say, ‘what a load of cr@p”. They make motherhood look like sunshine and rainbows, but in reality we know that these Movie Mummy moments are virtually impossible.
This is what they look like.
A glamorous mother drops her equally beautifully presented child off at childcare. The child turns and says, ‘Goodbye mummy, I love you’.
In reality, you with your frizzy hair and banana smeared top drop your snotty nose child off at childcare where they scream blue murder and bang on the window to be let free as you walk away trying to put a lid on your mummy guilt.
Here’s another example:
A well to do mother and father invite their friends around for dinner. Their house is immaculate. Their white sofa is plush with no stains. Their polished floorboards, walls and dining table are scratch and food free. There are no toys lying in any of the rooms, as they’re all put away in the children’s playroom. They have a home cooked three course meal, with expensive wine, and there is no peep from the kids all night.
In reality, you never see your friends after 5pm let alone invite them around for dinner. When you do, its Asian food takeaway, that is home delivered, and you mostly likely split the bill. Your house is trashed and you make room at the dinner table by piling massive amounts of clothes, toys, and books, and dumping them in the hall way, or you simply just close the door to the mess in the dining room and eat on your food stained couch. You drink a $10 bottle of wine from a box or some left over cider from the bbq last weekend. The kids get out of bed half a dozen times and in the end you spend anywhere from twenty to thirty minutes in their room trying to get them to sleep, while your guests sit in the lounge wondering if they should leave.
But, wait this is my favourite Movie Mummy moment of all:
A mother and father are driving home late at night. Their toddler+ kids are asleep in the back. They pull into the driveway and park. They then expertly get their children out of their car seats, carry them to the house, unlock the front door, carry them upstairs, take off their shoes and lay them in their beds, all while NOT waking them up. The parent’s open a bottle of wine and relax on the couch.
In reality, one parent sits in the back of the car trying to get the kids to sleep. If they do sleep, as soon as you stop the car they wake up. If they are still asleep, they will wake up as soon as you lift them from their car seats. But if you’re lucky enough for them to still be asleep, you will walk to the door and drop your keys, stub your toe or do something equally as stupid and wake them up. They’re awake now so taking off their shoes is easy as they just want to kick them off anyway. But it takes another twenty to thirty minutes for a bottle of milk and a series of songs or books to get them to sleep again. Any chance of wine and relaxing is completely non-existent. Eventually you fall sleep full clothed on top of the bed.
But….. there are times where you are able to beat all odds and have your own Movie Mummy moment.
It happened to me.
It was a Sunday morning. We were at Canberra Daddy’s triathlon event and it was pouring with rain. Bucketing down actually. I looked like a drowned rat, and as I had over shot bubby’s morning sleep by about an hour, he was bat sh!t irritable. Lots of tears, lots of “Muuummyyyy’ss”, which he only says when he’s upset mind you, all other times it is “daddy this” and “daddy that”.
I chucked bub in his car seat and drove home. He was asleep before we left the car park. Great, I thought. He will have ten minutes sleep then wont sleep for the rest of the day!
Not a great Movie Mummy moment so far, I know. But this is where it gets exciting. This is when my Movie Mummy moment started.
As I lifted him out of his car seat, he gave me a big sleepy ‘where am I mummy?’ look and then rested his head on my shoulder and went back to sleep. I know, right? I pulled off Stage One.
As I carried him to the lift and swiped us in, he wrapped his arms around me. Stage Two, done!
I opened our front door, without dropping my keys or stubbing my toe, and he nestled his little nose into my neck. Stage Three, nailed it!
I walked him into his bedroom, laid him in his cot, and took off his shoes. I even closed his curtains. All while not waking him up!! Stage Four and last Movie Mummy moment complete!
This never happens. EVER!
So it should be no surprise that I jumped straight on my laptop and wrote about. No wine for me, it was still only 10am.
It might only seem like a minor thing, but for me my Movie Mummy moment was pretty spesh and I gave myself a fist pump for it!
While Movie Mummy moments are completely unrealistic and misleading excerpts of motherhood, they do sometimes happen. And when they do, they pull at your heart strings and squeeze your ovaries. And let’s just say, Canberra Daddy is lucky he wasn’t home at the time.
Have you had a Movie Mummy moment? Comment below or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.