When I was invited to enter a competition to win $5000 to promote Mortgage Choices consumer competition to win $50,000, I thought it would be easy.
Write an article, they said.
Make it funny, they said.
So I agreed to write an article about How to spend $50k in a day, and make it funny.
I knew I had a stack of ‘funny’ stories I could write about.
Like the time my dad brought my bloomers to school and gave them to me in front of a bus full of girls, or the time I fell off the treadmill at the gym, or the numerous times I have found yesterday’s knickers in the leg of my jeans when out in public (don’t tell me I’m not the only one this has happened to).
But none of these
stories critical incidences really relate to spending $50k in a day! And besides, over the last month I have been too busy making new indiscretions to write about my past ones.
You see, I’m a mum to a newborn, a two year old, and a 31 year old man, and I’ve spent the last month running around my home like a banshee.
I’ve been armpit deep in baby vomit, breast milk, and maternity pads. And I’ve been busy hosting another person’s post-baby body as I sure as hell don’t remember having a body with a jelly belly and giant milk machines people like to call breasts.
Having a baby changes things.
Once upon a time I could have written this article in an hour whilst drinking a green-smoothie and performing three sets of bicep curls.
After having a baby, my laptop gathers dust in the corner while I drink a glass of wine and try not to fart uncontrollably.
Then the second baby comes along and that’s when the sh!t really hits the fan.
Now my husband and I enter a detailed contractual agreement every time a nappy needs changing. We both prefer to change our newborn’s bum when compared to the two year old’s dirty nappy which resembles a grown man’s undies after a night of booze and dim sims from the grease shop.
My life also consists of me walking around the house talking like a complete moron to get my son to do something really, really difficult, like you know… take off his shoes.
“Daddy?” I ask my husband, but really I’m talking to my son.
“Have you taken off your shoes? I’ve taken off my shoes. Let’s all take our shoes off together” (slaps own idiot face).
An hour later when I successfully wrestle my child to the ground and take off his shoes, that’s when I realise my husband put them on the wrong feet in the first place. Hmmm, I really am a mother to three kids sometimes.
But idiot-ness is not just reserved for us parents, but our guests as well. If you’ve been lucky enough to eat dinner with us this last month you may have been asked to roar like a dinosaur when eating broccoli (aka ‘dinosaur food’) to encourage my two year old to eat his vegetables. That is unless you’ve had dinner with us just this week when roaring like a dinosaur now scares our kids (#parentfail).
Then there’s my sleep, or lack there of when I’ve got a newborn sleeping next to me who grunts like Chewbacca, snores likes a drunk, and coughs like she’s choking.
Getting anywhere also takes a lot longer nowadays too. Instead of being able to drive directly to the supermarket, I now have to double back around the house to avoid the park which my toddler demands to play in every time we drive past regardless of the impending super storm that is forecast.
And I haven’t even talked about the stop I have to make less than fifty metres from our house when my newborn does a poonami in her car seat.
Nor have I mentioned the endless stops I make to ensure the ‘right’ Wiggles’ songs are playing, or the many times I sing out loud to the Wiggles when driving without the kids in the car, and get busted doing so, “I like to eat, eat, eat apples and bananas…“.
So as you can see, I haven’t had the time over the last month to write an article about How to spend $50k in a day. And certainly no amount of money can buy back the dignity of a parent.
But if I should ever, ever be free of baby vomit, poonami’s, and a post-baby jelly belly I would definitely spend $50k in a day to do it all over again.
Or at least pay someone to change my toddler’s nappy.
How would you spend $50k in a day?
For more information on how to enter Mortgage Choice’s competition to win $50,000 visit their website, http://www.mortgagechoice.com.au/50kgiveaway.
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